Subzero windchill readings that hit the Twin Cities like a punch to the throat Wednesday were suitable to only a few species. Polar bears. Santa Claus. Bud Grant.
An ideal place for an outdoor soccer game? Puh-lease. What, was Antarctica already booked?
The folks at U.S. Soccer thought differently. Someone with that organization actually came up with the bright idea to host a World Cup qualifying match in Minnesota in early February.
Yep, you betcha.
Apparently, they feared losing to Honduras and wanted to make the visitors uncomfortable, a weird theory that raises a couple of obvious rebuttal questions:
Is the U.S. team stocked with players who do polar plunges whenever they bathe? Nobody likes to play sports outside when it's that cold, regardless of where they call home.
Also, did USMNT really need bone-chilling weather to defeat Honduras? If so, the national program should re-evaluate things.
Alas, U.S. Soccer achieved its desired result — a thoroughly one-sided 3-0 win at Allianz Field — but the entire thought process was dumb and unnecessary, and potentially dangerous to players, coaches and fans exposed to extreme temperatures.
Afterward, Honduras officials said that goalkeeper Luis Lopez had to leave the game and was being treated for hypothermia.
U.S. coach Gregg Berhalter defended the decision to pick Minnesota as the destination.
"When we scheduled this game in this location, you have to go by daily average temperatures," he said. "A cold spell came through. It's something you can't control."
Actually, you can. Don't schedule the game in Minnesota in the dead of winter.
Rookie mistake by soccer officials who counted on best-case February weather and didn't give enough consideration to what Minnesotans know too well — that a hunker-down deep freeze is possible anytime.
The location decision stemmed from lingering paranoia over the U.S. team's failure to qualify for the 2018 World Cup, an embarrassment punctuated by a loss to Costa Rica in a home qualifier. USMNT officials took no chances in seeking to avoid a repeat of that indignity. So they picked Minnesota to host a winter game against a team from Central America.
It's hard to know if the cold weather had much effect on the Hondurans, or whether they were simply overmatched in skill. The competition wasn't close.
Honduras is winless in 11 qualifying matches and already eliminated from World Cup contention. The U.S. team didn't need a gimmicky home-field advantage tactic to have the upper hand.
A hearty salute goes to the soccer diehards who braved the cold in what was still a showcase event for the Twin Cities to host, even if the strategy behind it made zero sense.
Fans made the most of it. Not every seat was occupied, but the atmosphere was typical of a soccer match at Allianz Field. Festive. Loud. Full of emotion.
Fans bundled up and came rowdy. They enjoyed the show.
Walking the concourse 30 minutes before kickoff, I spotted two men standing in a concession line. They wore matching Evel Knievel snowsuits and ski goggles. To a soccer game.
"This is fantastic," Chip Nordstrom said.
Fantastic? In this weather?
"You don't love America?" friend Michael Pawlyszyn said, chuckling.
Nordstrom: "No one is wearing a soccer jersey but there's a million hockey jerseys."
Pawlyszyn: "I've seen Eruzione's jersey everywhere."
The only miracle on this night is if nobody suffered frostbite.
"I was talking to people from work all over the country today," Nordstrom said. "They were like, 'You're actually going to a soccer game and it's not inside?' "
He received texts once at the stadium from co-workers who had legitimate concerns.
"How are your drinks not freezing?" one wrote.
"Oh, they are," Nordstrom said. "They're slushies."
A night so cold that drinks turn into slushies, eyelashes form icicles and Eruzione jerseys fit perfectly inside a soccer stadium.
The U.S. team leaves town in great shape to earn a spot in the World Cup in Qatar in November. Team members can pack a little differently for that trip. They'll need swimsuits instead of hot chocolate and hand warmers.